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Broken dreams of Christmas

Not sure if the powder concoction from the branded TCM is too ‘heaty’ for my body or I was gorging too much during the festivities that I’m now coming under the weather. The throat has been sore for a few days now… And the body temperature interfered with my basal readings the TCM doc has told me to do. While I thought the reading when shot up to 36.9C from 36.7C was a good indication of ovulation, it made me rethink thereafter when 36.9C seemed to be the majority of my readings for the rest of the days. When I had a reading of 37.7 on the eve of Christmas Eve, I started to shop for a new thermometer (which I didn’t eventually get… Lol!).

J accompanied me to church on Christmas morning. We went back to Wesley Methodist which we attended for almost a decade but had not been to for almost a year (J is a pre-believer). Rev KSM preached a very meaningful sermon which touched my heart.

Like any young woman of her age, Mary had dreamt of marrying a fine young man, be loved and cared for in a beautiful marriage, and start a family they could call their own. However, both her dreams and Joseph’s (whom she was engaged to), were shattered when the angel appeared to her and told her that she will give birth to baby Jesus as a virgin. However incredible the news may be, both of them continued to have faith in God and obeyed his will (Matthew 1: 18-25). Everyone has broken dreams at a point in his or her life. These broken dreams could be examples of infertility, lost babies through miscarriages, or even discovering that your child has a disability or only a few months of lifespan after he was born. By only letting go of these broken dreams and not clasping tightly to them, we can then receive greater gifts from God.

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Rev KSM also reminded us about Deuteronomy 7:13‚Äď14 – And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give …

Fellow TTC-ers, do not lose faith even when sometimes we wonder why is God not answering our prayers … yet. There isn’t a case in the Bible where someone struggled with infertility and sought God and didn’t eventually conceive and birth a child! So, why wouldn’t God do the same for us?

Blessed Christmas to all and may God bless you and your loved ones abundantly and bountifully, above all that you ask for.

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Branded TCM, Brand New Chapter

If you read my previous posts, you would have known that I’ve fired my TCM physician earlier this year as I didn’t think the process was helping me much. Today, I saw another TCM which cost me more than 10 times of what the previous TCM doc charged.

Quite a few of my friends are seeing this ‘branded’ physician and she comes highly recommended. She even told one of my friends that she guarantees her to conceive within the next 3 months! I would really like to see if that really happens. I’ve never come across a doc or physician who ‘guarantees’. As she only comes to Singapore once a month as a visiting doc, her appointments are usually packed back to back. I was blessed to be able to squeeze in a slot for this morning though I only called two days ago.

I arrived about 15mins before 10am, my appointment time, and I was the first patient of the day. Phy X wasted no time to see me even though it was not 10am yet. As many of the sisters commented in the forums, she is indeed a nice mature lady who shows genuine care and concern. I was secretly hoping for her to give me the ‘guarantee’ but that did not happen. Instead, she reminded me of the cruel truth that I only have half the chances of other women as I had been diagnosed with one blocked Fallopian tube from the HSG I did in 2011. I was also taught how to track my basal temperature to determine the most optimum time for BB production. And as expected, I was then given 28 packets of bitter powder concoction to last me till my next visit with her.
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To put the costs into perspective, I could have probably bought a 32″ LED television (when it’s on sale) with the amount I paid for this morning’s visit. 5 of such visits could pay for a 8-day holiday to Korea. 10 of these will be sufficient to buy me the jumbo size Chanel Easy Flap bag! But if it really works out, I wouldn’t trade in my BB chances for anything else in this world.

Today is also my last day of service with the organization. I took the entire morning off to see the TCM (followed by Christmas shopping!) and only reached the office at almost 3pm after a farewell lunch. I was then super busy with colleagues and non-stop phone calls from associates wishing me well… Till a point I didn’t dare to pick up any more calls. Some of my business partners even rushed down to my office to hand me gifts.
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I was really touched by how the day had unfolded. All the more so when at least a dozen of colleagues from various departments reminded me to bring them along to my new organization should there be suitable opportunities. With a heavy heart, I only managed to leave the office at almost 9pm.

Thank God for a new chapter in my life.

6

End of my FET…

Last Friday was 17dp3dt ie. my beta test. I could have taken a HPT at least a week earlier but I didn’t want my hopes to be dashed so soon.

Everyday I woke up, I thanked God for everyday that I stayed ‘pregnant’. I chose to go with the concept of being pregnant, unless proven otherwise. A weeks ago, I found myself waking up smiling – because I dreamt that I was finally pregnant. I remember how real the dream felt – and only if it was real.

On Fri 29 Nov, the day of my BT, I went to KKH in the morning and pressed a number from Q3. I had anticipated at least 45mins wait as the room was packed with fellow IVFers. Before I could read 2 pages of the newspapers, it was my turn. The rest were probably waiting for scans or to see the doctors. I felt somewhat robotic going through the process. I felt emotionless since I already had the mental preparation of what the results would be with the HPT I took the day earlier.

After the BT, I had my brekkie at the food court since I was early for my next appointment at 11am – to sign my appointment letter for my new job. While I was halfway through the session with the HR lady, KKH called! I calmly asked the caller to call me back in 15mins as I definitely would not want to hear the news in front of a stranger. They are early this round, I thought to myself. They only called me with the results at around 4pm the last cycle. This time, it was barely 12noon.

When I was done signing a dozen of papers (felt like I was signing my life away to my new job already!), I called KKH back and asked for my results. The BFN did not surprise me, though I was still saddened that my hopes are dashed once again.

So I had 17 happy days of being ‘pregnant’ – or rather 16 because I took my HPT one day before the BT. The 2 lines never showed up. Only 1 did. I was surprising calm after I saw the results. Perhaps it was that 5% chance that the Dr had already bestowed upon this cycle. Anything more would have been a bonus, a real miracle.

I feel really disappointed, dejected and downright discouraged. I can’t possibly go for the next fresh cycle anytime soon since I’m starting my new job in January. With a probationary period of 6 months, any baby-making plans will need to be shelved till half a year later. And I’ll hit the 35 mark – a milestone which signifies even lesser chances of success of bringing home a baby with IVF.

I don’t understand what are God’s plans for me. While I’m indeed thankful to Him for my new job (and pretty excited about it), I felt rather naive at times. But I did not regret going for this FET, though I had already known prior that the chances are less than 5% as my frozen embbie was fragmenting and losing its quality before the transfer. What I do know is that if I had chosen not to proceed, I would probably feel a bigger regret.

Now what? I just don’t feel like doing anything now. I don’t feel like going to work today even though I’m already serving my notice. I don’t even feel like baking which surprises my hubby even more. I didn’t even feel like blogging which explained why this post is late. I really don’t know how and what to feel. AF is not even here yet. I don’t know when it will visit. Shouldn’t it just come now and give this entire episode a full closure?

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2ww – 5dp3dt

Today is 5dp3dt. The week zipped by quickly but I achieved a milestone this week – I tendered my resignation! Sweet!

I’m not experiencing much symptoms for the past week, except for some very little spotting everyday since the first day. I wonder if these were the fragments which were growing around my embbie. The spotting stopped today. I wondered what it meant. Dr. S said that implantation usually takes place 4 days after the FET, which was supposedly yesterday.

For the first time in my life, I attempted acupuncture and had the following sessions so far:
– 1 day before FET
– 1 day after FET
– 4 days after FET ie. implantation day

You see, for someone who’s afraid of needles, going for acupuncture is a remarkable achievement. The first attempt was manageable without much pain. The pricking really just felt like ants bite. Not sure if I was feeling more sensitive after the FET as the subsequent sessions were more painful. The TCM sinseh (doctor) planted needles on my feet, ankles, wrist, abdominal area and one on my head. Obviously, the ones at the abdomen hurt the most. It wasn’t very painful but surely more than ants bite. There was one spot which is about three inches above my belly button which is the particular trouble spot. He said it showed that my shoulders were very ‘stiff’ – a symptom of stress within the body.

I didn’t feel any difference after these acupunctures. But I’m just trying to do whatever I can to turn the odds in my favor. This is in addition to the daily staple of avocados, Brazil nuts and occasional sunflower seeds, all of which are supposedly helpful for implantation.

This round feels really easy, compared to my first fresh cycle when I was a lot more paranoid over anything and everything. Just last Friday, I almost forgot about my embbie inside me when I ran to the copier machine in the office while rushing to get some printouts. Of course, I immediately regretted after that. It’s just work. I shouldn’t have risked my embbie for work. But I just forgot. I didn’t have the luxury of a 14-day hospitalisation leave like the fresh round. But I was thankful enough that Nurse G helped me to get an extra day of medical leave ie. 2 days in total instead of 1.

Of course, God is omnipotent and it’s really about his will and perfect timing. If it’s His will for this round to be a testimony for Him, the 5% will surely be a 100% success rate.

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My first FET – another day of roller coaster of emotions

It was another day of roller coaster of emotions today – or at least for this morning.

It was supposed to be a very meaningful day. It is not just the day of the Great Reunion with my heroic fighter embbie. Caught up with too many preoccupations, I didn’t even realise that today has another significant milestone till J reminded me yesterday – it is our 9th wedding anniversary. If this pregnancy is viable, it will be more meaningful than anything else.

I have always been the one to remember important dates like this – J is never good at such things. So it surprised me that he had to be the one to remind us. It surprised me more that this is the first time I had actually forgotten about it. Too many things on my mind I guess.

Don’t get me wrong. Well, the reunion did happen. Just that it wasn’t exactly how I had hoped the day to turn out.

8.30am – Arrived at KKH. Pressed queue 2 for ‘Procedures’.
Feeling: Excited.

9.00am – Number called at Counter 6. Nurse checked and informed that my hero had thawed and we can proceed with the FET.
Feeling: Elated.

9.20am – Felt like bladder was going to explode any time with all the water I’ve drunk for the procedure. “Don’t go to the toilet yet”, reminded Nurse G.
Feeling: Hopeful.

9.35am – Called in to Procedure Room. But wait. Nurse G told me NOT to change to the procedure outfit (sarong). She said Dr. S. wanted to speak with me first.
Feeling: Worried.

9.45am – Dr. S. strode in with a straight face. Then told me to reconsider this FET.
Feeling: Heart landed on the ground with a thud.

9.50am – She explained that my hero had thawed last night. But this morning, it stopped growing. There are also many fragments around the embbie which is not good. She said they don’t think that this cycle will be successful and it does not seem to be a viable pregnancy. If I cancel this procedure, it will not be counted and I will just need to pay for the scans and meds.
Feeling: Heart broke.

I tried very hard but alas, couldn’t control my tears. Nurse G and Dr. S. scrambled to get me a tissue. Dr. S. asked if I wanted to take some time to consider or call my Hubby about this. Instead of doing so, I went on to ask her about the schedule for the next fresh cycle if need be. I was quite sold about forsaking this FET at that time already. Especially after she shared the stats with me. The chances of a viable pregnancy with 2 embbies transferred is 25%. For me with only 1, the chances are already halved. With the current condition my hero is in, the chances of it growing further is less than 5%. ūüė¶

However in the midst of our discussion, it suddenly dawned upon me that if God has meant for me to go through this, 5% chance is still better than nil. I asked Dr if the only consideration is monetary and she nodded, adding that they did not see any abnormality with the embbie. If that was the case, I rather give it a shot as God may just grant me a miracle baby! If I don’t try, I may even regret later.

10.00am – My second time on the procedure chair – my memory from the last round still fresh in my mind. As Dr. S inserted the speculum, I felt more pain than the last round. The pain was probably accentuated by the pain in my heart. Dr. S’s words kept reverberating in my brain. I just had to stop thinking negative.
Feeling: Downcasted.

Maybe my embbie actually didn’t survive and God had brought it back to life? If so, God will continue to breathe life into my hero and it will continue to grow despite all odds. Oh Lord, let this be the perfect testimony for you!

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Pre – FET Scan

I’m not sure I’m feeling more tired than usual this week because of the progyvona inserts that I have been taking to prepare for my FET,¬† or it was just another shitty week at work.

The doc has prescribed progyvona to prepare me for the ultrasound¬† scan today.¬† I’ve read that the potential side effects of progyvona (which is also prescribed to treat menopausal symptoms) include migraines, insomnia, depression, breast tenderness, skin rash etc. Thank God once again that I’ve experienced none of these side effects!¬† But I don’t think fatigue is one of the side effects, so it should just be the shitpot. I’m seriously contemplating to quit my job within the next few weeks. I hope I can bring myself to.

I arrived at KKH for the ultrasound  scan which revealed my lining at 9mm. Okay, ready for the great reunion on Tuesday with my single hero fighter!  Now the only thing I can do now is to pray hard that my hero can survive the thawing process,  which doc said that I will only know on the day of the transfer itself. 

I was also given Cyclogest pressary  inserts, which are different from the progesterone inserts  prescribed during the fresh round.

Hopefully it will not be a wasted trip. Stats have shown that about 70% of these frozen gems make it through the thawing process. Pls let not my hero be of the minority clan…